Hello dear ones,
today's post will be very different from how normally I post, and I like it that way. The format I chose is a simple letter format, from me (your friend) to you.
My letter to you today is about the feelings I have been experiencing the past 3 months. My decision for more rest, more authenticity and some kind of pivoting in my career. I intend that this post somehow connects with you, whether you have the same feelings or have a need to talk about it.
Let me start.
3 months ago, I restarted with an intensive marketing course (I was doing it previously...), with the purpose to improve my online business presence and be able to spread the health & wellness message to more people.
Meanwhile, I have been with some other projects like the cheese making, which was surprisingly successful, I was teaching 3 Pilates classes in the studio per week (which I absolutely loved), having one-on-one coaching calls, and preparations for upcoming retreat.
So far it seemed like all was going well, I'm working with things I love, right? But not really, it just seemed that something was missing. I was working very hard, feeling so tired, not reaching my financial goals, as well as my impact goals. It just felt wrong, what am I missing? What am I not doing? or what is it am I doing way too much?
My anxiety levels started to increase, and I my tiredness increase even more to the point that I just felt like giving up everything.
Talking to my therapist, my feelings of unworthiness, the need to be perfect, not good enough kept coming back, imposter syndrome and so on... It just felt like 'I have been there before', that we are going right back to the beginning of my journey.
I really appreciate her helping me realize that in fact, that was indeed part of my personal growth, and that was scary. Let me better explain.
A bit over a year ago, when I started with therapy, I have started to understand why I had these feelings of unworthiness, not good enough and so on. As I started working on myself, understanding the root of those emotions, and how they were hindering me to be myself, and also in my relationships, I started to have much more empathy for myself.
When comes to my work, I had many of the questions I have today, at this point. I knew that I was living a high paced life, for some time, and even though I thought I was doing everything right, eating healthy, sleeping 8 hours, exercising, therapy... was not really enough for my wholehearted self. I wasn't living the life that I wanted, the joyful, fun and playful life I wanted, was so far from my reality.
What is really funny when you are in a transformational journey, you kind of see many of the same issues coming back, as if they were places in your town, you walking by thinking that you never been there, at the same time they are so familiar. And then, you realize you have been there soo many times, but you were not fully there, you were not paying fully attention... it wasn't time.
A year after, I find myself again in this same situation, tired, frustrated, feeling lost and completely disconnected from who I am.
Something needs to change, I thought to myself 3 months ago. I just don't know what.
So, I decided to keep my life as simple as I could. I had already some commitments and I decided to honor them, they would last for 3 more months only.
I would be traveling to Portugal after that, and I decided not to continue the same pace life in Portugal, I would rather allow myself to be curious and find out more about myself by doing much, much less.
Now I'm in Portugal already, 3 days so far, and I want to use it as a retreat, no big commitments, try different things, have more fun, play more and connect with my wild creative inner child more. Because she needs some more love and connection.
All that being said, I want to say to you that, it hasn't been easy, because I have no control what so ever, of my days, weeks, months. I don't really know what will happen here and when I'm back to Oslo. No road-map, no plan, no nothing.
What I know for certain is that I want more connection, more love, more play, more creative time and much, much more authenticity in my life.
Now is time for you to tell me, are things like change, authenticity, not feeling good enough or lack of connection coming to your mind lately? How is your experience with those emotions? Anything else from this post that called your eye?
Also, I would love to hear your thoughts about this new blog post format :)
I sincerely hope that this post may connect with some of you,
With wild and raw love,
Telma